Currently it doesn’t look like I’ll make it back to Seattle until Tuesday because of the weather… I’m a little freaking out and feeling very sad inside. I feel like I should try to look at it like a snow day, but most people aren’t crazy enough to drive 300 miles on a snow day.
“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Today, I’m allowed to miss him. Today, I am given permission to break down, permission to be as sad as I want to be. Today, I am, because it’s the one year mark. As if a day can hold all of the sadness on it’s own. As if because of a particular day, it hurts more. What they don’t understand is that it’s just another day. It hurts just as much today as it has every single day of the last year.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like today is no big deal. It’s hard. Writing this, I have a lump in my throat the size of Texas and my eyes are threatening to become waterfalls. It was very hard to get out of bed today. I didn’t pay attention in class. I feel unusually numb, something my passionate soul doesn’t often tolerate. Yes, today is a big deal. But honestly, yesterday was harder, because it was a Sunday. He died on a Sunday. But it doesn’t hurt because it’s been exactly a year. It doesn’t hurt because today is February 24th.
It hurts because my dad died. It hurts because he isn’t here anymore. I’ve had to live three hundred and sixty-five days without him. And I have to live the rest of my life without him. That is the absolute worst part. The permanence of it. It has only been one year. Only one year, and I already feel like I’ve spent all my energy trying to be okay, but it just goes on hurting. Those waves of the permanence crash into me over and over and over again. He isn’t on some freakishly long trip. He’s not in Hawaii or Peru shooting a wedding or even in Vegas working for After Dark. He’s gone. Completely. And he isn’t coming back. Ever. Fuck, that sucks. That is the thing that keeps me curled into a ball around my aching heart. That is the thing that doesn’t just hurt today, but rather every day.
And it’s been a year. People are moving on. They may say that it’s okay to still not be okay. They may say that a year isn’t long enough for it to really be healed. And I bless their hearts, I know they’re in the right place. But frequently, the way they act is different. They act like it’s time to start straightening yourself up. Like it’s time to stop crying so much and start remembering the happy times. I try that, and it’s nice because there are a lot of great memories, but then it hits me that I don’t get to many any more of those good memories and smiles rapidly turn into tears, but people don’t understand that, and mostly I’m at a loss of words to explain it.
Celebrate your dad today, they say. Don’t morn him. Try not to spend all day in your room crying. Celebrate him today? Celebrate the fact that his life was short and is over now? Celebrate the fact that I only had him for nineteen years when I needed him around for so much more? Celebrate all the things he’s going to miss in my life? No, no. Celebrate the good things. The good things? Okay. And so I start to think of all the good things. And boy, that list goes on and on. But between every line, in bright red letters, he’s gone. That makes it really hard to focus on the good things. That makes it really hard to celebrate. That makes it really hard to do anything other than cry and cry and cry today. Because that hurts so bad. He’s gone…
I really, really miss him. Understatement of the year.
I am a question to the world, Not an answer to be heard, Or a moment that's held in your arms. And what do you think you'd ever say I won't listen anyway you don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be. This song will always make me thing of you.
If you struggle with real life depression and still manage to be around people and do your job and go to school and do all of the shit that you have to do, I have nothing but respect for you and I sincerely wish you the best.
you do not need to constantly justify yourself. go ahead. eat pancakes. eat a ton at dinner. eat ice cream sundaes at 1am. take a rest day. take six rest days. sleep in. watch a movie. watch ten movies. no explanations needed. you’re allowed to be kind to yourself.
My counselor tells me this all the time. It’s taking care of yourself to give yourself that kindness and grace. But really, this is one of the hardest things to accept….
Feel a little… or a lot.. overwhelmed. Feeling very vulnerable. And kind of scared. A lot of emotional energy going out right now. And now I have to go use mental energy to go get math done. …Nap time later? I hope.